Would I Spend Forever Here
by senbotsu
Summary: Saionji wants eternity. Touga wants power. Saionji loses. Touga wins. And Akio pulls the strings. Takes place before Saionji's third duel and ends with Utena's Revolution. (Episode 25, 27, 34-39.) (POV Saionji. Blatant TougaSaionji.)


I do not own these characters.   
  
  
  
NOTE: I do not believe that Touga and Saionji are in love. I believe that Saionji is envious of the attention Touga gets and that Touga is very possessive of Saionji. Yes, they are best friends but they are not in love. One, Touga has never loved anyone in his entire life (besides a somewhat shallow brotherly love for Nanami but one could even stretch that). Sure, he claims to love Utena Tenjou but the man is just very, very confused. He's never been denied anything. If he wants the girl, he gets the girl. Touga has always been admired. Saionji admired him when they were younger. Saionji secretly admires him when they're at Ohtori. All of the girls on campus absolutely adore him and would sell their souls to Lucifer to get into his pants. Except for one, Utena. Utena is loyal to her prince; she is saving herself for her prince. Touga claims to love her, but in all honesties, he's just surprised he's been denied something that he wants. Sure, it may be puppy love, but it's not the love that Utena feels for Akio (Let me make another note, Akio does not love Utena. He used her so he could get Dios' power. Akio only wants to regain the power that was rightfully his. And set the world record for manipulation.) or the love she feels for her prince, or the love of protecting Anthy. And Saionji does not love Anthy. He enjoys the attention she gives, but it's mainly just retaliation for the way that Touga treats him. To keep myself from turning this rant into a full-blown essay, Touga and Saionji do not love each other. Though they do end up having sex near the end of the series, it's not because of love. It's because of the raw need to fill that void that Akio left in both of them when he dedicated all of his power to seducing Utena.   
  
SKU is filled to the brim with ambiguity. Because of that, this resulted. Much of it is taken from the scripts found at ohtori.nu. You'll be able to tell what I made up myself, I am no Ikuhara. (And Saionji definitely says "fuck" a lot in this, get used to it. He's a very angry character; he has the right to voice his opinion, even if it is marinated with expletives. These things sometimes happen.)   
  
NOTE(2): I use _italics_ for emphasis or lyrics. And also, if it's quotated an its own paragraph, then that has been taken from the actual SKU scripts--like a flashback of a sentance or quote.   
  
  
  
  
  
"You can have my isolation.   
You can have the hate that it brings   
You can have my absence of faith.   
You can have my everything"   
**—"Closer", Nine Inch Nails**   
  
**Would I Spend Forever Here**   
part one: "i am an actor cast eternally"   
  
  
  
I always kept my kendo uniform loosely open for him. The dim light of the room made my pale skin stand out that much more. He liked it that way. I think he told me once. Of course, if he did tell me, his words were coated in his own sadistic humor. He was always like that, silently laughing at me as he superficially conversed with me. Just to humor him more, I kept my shirt loose.   
  
I kept my emotions loose as well.   
  
He enjoys my quick-to-anger reactions to everything. I think it excites him. Almost everything I do excites him in some way. And that disgusts me.   
  
A dirty floor in a dirty kendo room also disgusts me. Dirt, sweet, and blood all caked into my beautiful wooden floor. The floor that has caught me over the years. He would hit me, I would fall, and the floor would catch me. None too gently, though. I ran the damp cloth over the dents in the floor. Small chips gone, some in the shape of the bokken's tip. All were mainly from me. After he would win our duel, he would put his bokken away and leave. Out of frustration and an absolute loathing, I would pound my practice sword into the ground. Over and over. Slam, slam, slam. Dent after dent after dent. My beloved floor was looking a little worse for the wear.   
  
_ "At any rate, I'm not going to duel anymore." _   
  
I ran the tip of my finger over a series of dents. There was a good twenty of them. Maybe if I just burnt this place down then I could get away from this. All of this. I was sick of it all. Sick of the council, sick of the duels, sick of the letters, and sick of Ends of the World. But all of this is given. Anyone who's gone through what I've gone through would feel exactly the same way. So why go into it?   
  
I spat at the floor, at the dents. I took up the cloth again and began to scrub harder and more frantic than before. I wish I had some soap. That would help me a bit. All I do is just spread the dirt, sweat, blood, and saliva around. If I had some sort of soap, I could clean this floor once and for all. Maybe I should get some of my shampoo, that would help a bit. Then the floor would smell like spearmint. He said the smell went well with my evergreen coloured hair. It made my stomach turn.   
  
"You're cleaning the floor at this hour?"   
  
His voice came to me and rubbed up against me like a cat in heat. I was suddenly very away of how much of my chest was showing. My shirt was unusually loose today; it was almost falling off of my shoulders. I would have moved to tighten it, but he would notice and he would know exactly what I was doing and why. He was good like that. He was good at everything he did. Ruling the council, dueling in kendo, dueling for the Bride, seducing girls, and tormenting me. It seemed he lived to one-up me.   
  
"You're still as uptight as ever, perhaps we should have you tested," he purred as he walked into the room, red hair flowing behind him. Red hair the colour of blood. Red hair as beautiful as a sunset, the most vibrant in the spectrum. I hate his hair. I hate how I enjoy looking at it. I hate how I long to touch it. I do not want these feelings. His uniform hugged his body, moving with him as he came towards me. Usually, I would have thrown the cleaning cloth into its bucket of water hard enough to create some sort of splash. In would be an attempt to get Touga wet. But, of course, the water would splash back up at me, covering my face in the dirty water. He would then clean my face off, with his tongue. It usually made the situation worse. He would then leave me with my desires rushing through my veins. I hated it. I would then start to clean the floor again.   
  
"You're going to win the local kendo tournament this year." I wish he would just shut up. I wish he would shut up and let me leave this place. I ran my fingers over the dents again. Perhaps I should fill a request for a new floor. The Chairman should have enough money and I basically made up the kendo team. I was good enough to earn another floor.   
  
"I hate how conceited you've become recently," I heard myself saying. Unlike his, my voice would always come out in a growl. I heard him give me a small "Oh?". He always did that. Always responded to me with a remark of sarcasm. I wish he would use a different tone of voice. "But you're right, I will be the champion this year. Because you won't be participating."   
  
He remained silent. So I continued. "But what difference does it make, to you all of this is child's play. Even though you say I will win—and I will—you still laugh at me."   
  
"Now, now, Saionji, you know that's not true," I knew he was smirking at me. I could tell from constant companionship over the years when he smirked and when he didn't.   
  
Trying my hardest not to look up at him, I continued to scrub the floor. I felt like a maid out of a fairy tale. I suppose, in some way, I was. He was the husband and I was the maid. Why did I have to be given such a worthless role? Why me, of all people? I was strong enough to be the husband, wasn't I? I was worthy enough. Yes, yes of course I was. Why was I even doubting myself? I was able to quit the Student Council without any real troubles; I was man enough to do that. I was also strong enough not to go after Utena a third time way back when. I am strong. I know I am.   
  
Strong enough to leave.   
  
I was sick of not having any soap. So, I got up.   
  
"A little sure of yourself, aren't you?" I heard Touga ask. And thus his word games would begin. I began to dig through my bag that was full of clothes. Grabbing my shampoo bottle which was usually reserved for my daily after-practice shower, I walked back over to the wet spot in the floor, dropped to my knees, and squeezed a good amount of the viscous liquid onto the wooden floor. "Saionji, my dear friend, what are you doing?"   
  
The humor in his voice made me want to drink the shampoo. The smell of spearmint filled the kendo room. It made my stomach turn. Just like the man standing a few feet away from me. I dumped the cloth into its bucket. Lifting it, I let the water fall onto the floor. It splashed up onto me. Wonderful. Ignoring the sudden dampness of my outfit, I began to scrub. I almost smiled when the shampoo began forming white foam. I could almost see the dirt, sweet, blood, and saliva being cleaned up.   
  
"I'm cleaning the floor, what does it look like I'm doing, Touga?" I spat out his name as I scrubbed harder. My hand was starting to ache in retaliation. I hope he wasn't here to challenge me to another useless spar. One hit to my hand and I would be finished. I would drop my bokken. And he would win, again. It was already hurting enough as it was, I didn't need to add any more to it. "What are you doing here, any way?"   
  
I should have guessed what he was going to do. I should have, but I didn't. I just continued to stare at the circle my arm was making as I cleaned. So, naturally when I looked up, he gave me a good fright. He was about a foot away from me. I think I jumped. He laughed deep in his throat. Yes, I must have jumped. Out of instinct, I shoved the cloth into the murky water in its bucket. A good amount of drops splashed up at me, getting my clothes more and more wet. I went back to cleaning. I had gotten too much water; it was beginning to seep into my clothes where I was kneeling.   
  
"I'm going to win the tournament because in this world, battles are only won by people who are strong," I said, my voice harsh. I wanted to move away from the wet spot, but I just couldn't seem to get some of the dirt out of the dents. "Even though you may have your little tricks, just remember that you lost to Utena Tenjou."   
  
"As have you," he whispered, his voice reaching inside of my shirt and pushing it a little farther off of my shoulders. One more sudden move and it would be half off. I should fix it. But he likes seeing my skin, so I'll keep it there. Like the wife I am.   
  
Yeah, I lost to that Tenjou girl, _so what_? I wanted to say, but I couldn't. Because I didn't feel that way. I had lost to that tomboy. I had lost Anthy to her.   
  
But, did Anthy really matter that much any more? I know she's a doll, I knew it back then. But now, more than ever, I see how hollow she really is. It almost scares me. Almost. I would be better off if I had nothing to do with her. That means you can do whatever you want to me, Touga. I could be yours. You would want that, wouldn't you? You don't like sharing me. I know you don't, ever since we were children; I was yours and only yours. You don't want me to have Anthy; you don't want me to have my Eternity. You want me to have nothing so you may have me. Touga, honestly.   
  
"Saionji, have you given up on the duels? Have you quit?" Touga asked suddenly. At once, I knew why he had come to the kendo room. I looked up at him. I looked into his blue eyes, a colour sharper than knives. That annoying part of his hair, the lighter part, the one that always hide his left eye was there in its usual place. It was annoying to look at only one eye. I nodded slowly as I looked up at him through my own bangs. Even though he was on his knees, he still seemed larger than life. Like he wasn't really human. Maybe he was a witch. Maybe if I threw the water on him, he would melt. "Huh, well, I haven't."   
  
"Bully for you," I muttered. A surprised grunt came out of my mouth when he reached for me and pushed me onto my back. I flailed my arms slightly and knocked the bucket of water over. Soon, my entire backside was soaked. Even though Touga hovered over me, he still remained dry. He was a witch. I did nothing as he pinned my arms above my head. That one action sent my heart into irregular rhythms. I cursed silently to myself when the lower half of my body began to heat up. How dare you give me these sorts of reactions, Touga!   
  
I swallowed hard when he brought his face close to mine. I could feel his hot breath on my mouth when he spoke.   
  
"I want you to meet someone," he whispered, making sure his mouth was inches away from my own. I wanted to spit on him. But my mouth was so dry I could hardly swallow. Body, stop encouraging him. He let go of one of my writs and quickly had a hold of both of them with one hand. Practice makes perfect, I suppose. His free hand traced my chest, sliding into my shirt. I squirmed underneath him. That's what he wanted, it was the entire reason I did it. It made him move so he straddled my crotch. I wanted to growl at him. "You haven't completely given up, have you?"   
  
"Of course I have, Ends of the World has been using us this entire time. I'm a pawn, you're a pawn. Juri and Miki are pawns, don't you get it?" I had to bite my tongue to hold back a moan when he moved. He was purposely grinding his own crotch against mine. I had to get out from underneath him soon before my body completely betrayed me. He couldn't know. I tried to roll onto my stomach underneath him. He let me. I suppose he preferred this position a little more. Both of his hands each held their own separate wrist now. My hands were planted firmly above my head. If I looked up enough, I could see them.   
  
"Listen, can't you hear it?" His mouth was now near my ear. I tried to do a push up, he didn't let me.   
  
"Hear what?" I spat. He let go of my hands. Finally. I pushed myself up on my hands and knees. He was waiting for me. I grunted when he spread himself across my back. His torso pressing its weight up along my entire backside. This was the worst of the three. I could only stay there, panting from the effort, the desire, and the annoyance.   
  
"So long as your soul hasn't given up entirely, then you should be able to hear this sound," it sounded like a rehearsed line. The way he said it was too precise, he was too excited. Did it take you awhile to get your lines down, Touga? He grabbed a hold of my shoulders and squeezed them as hard as he could. I cried out. Not as loudly as he wanted, I had that much power over my voice. I hoped. I wanted him to finish his damn speech. "The sound that races to the Ends of the World."   
  
"What nonsense are you—" I was about to call him crazy when suddenly there was a red convertible inside my kendo room. My stomach turned and the smell of spearmint flooded my lungs. There was a red convertible in my kendo room. I suddenly realized how damp my clothes were, my body shuddered. "What the… What the hell is this?!"   
  
"Come with us!" Touga practically yelled into my ear as he got off of me and pulled me to my feet. I could only stare at the car. How the hell did it get in here? "Follow us to the world that you seek!"   
  
And before I knew it, Touga had dragged me to the back seat of the car that was inside my kendo room.   
  
  
__________   
  
  
  
I was in my council uniform. I don't know where it came from. I didn't care, it was dry. I was tired of my wet kendo outfit. My hair was down from its ponytail and was flapping all over the place. I don't know why I kept it so long. It was horrifically long. I could cut it and that would make things easier. I wouldn't have to put it up every time I practiced kendo. What would Touga say? He would tell me to keep my hair the length it was. He's told me to grow it out as long as I could remember.   
  
Touga sat beside me in the back seat. He looked like he was enjoying the ride. I wanted to punch him.   
  
To keep myself from attempting to assault Touga in the back seat of this obscure car, I looked straight ahead of me at the driver. I recognized the lavender hair at once. "You're the Acting Chairman who's engaged to Ohtori's daughter."   
  
"Yes, and he's Anthy Himemiya's older brother," Touga responded for the man. Wonderful. Touga leaned in close to me. "Do you want the Rose Bride, Saionji?"   
  
"What are you talking about?" I asked as I tried to push him away from me. Bad move. He somehow pushed me back enough so I touched the car door. I was suddenly aware of how fast the car was going. I swallowed hard.   
  
"I mean exactly what I said." His hands were on either side of my head. Why do I always feel so submissive with you? "What do you want? What are you aiming for? What do you want to be?"   
  
Thanks for warning me that we were playing twenty questions, Touga. I slouched so my neck rested right where the door started. I looked up at him. His hair was as wild as my own. Green and red, red and green. The first few buttons of his uniform had come undone. He probably did it himself. I watched as his shirt threatened to burst open. The wind was not helping my situation at all.   
  
"What is the point of this?" I said, raising my voice enough so he could hear me. "And why should I even tell you? I don't trust you."   
  
"Oh, now, Saionji, come on. Aren't you my one and only friend?" He grinned down at me, his perfectly white teeth flashing in the night. The dark blue tones that the night added to him made him look even more beautiful. Why did I have to be associated with this guy? Why? Why couldn't I just leave this place and be rid of him forever? Why?   
  
"There's no such thing as friendship in this world," I whispered. I'm sure he heard me.   
  
"Really."   
  
"Of course 'really'."   
  
"I wonder if you honestly believe what you just said…"   
  
"What are you getting at, Touga?"   
  
The look on his face was so smug; I knew he was thinking, "I know something you don't know". What was new about that, Touga? You always knew something I didn't know, that's how our entire relationship worked. You knew what was going on when we went into that church. You knew what that girl was talking about. You _knew_ what happened to her after we left. You showed her something Eternal, didn't you, Touga? Of course you did, you wanted to and you always get everything you want. It's just the way your life happens to work. You ask for something and you then receive it. Now, us—the norm—we usually have to work hard to get what we want. I work hard at kendo. I practice for hours upon end. I should be the best. That's how it's supposed to work. I practice and then I get better and then I win.   
  
But not when you're around.   
  
I attempted to push him off of me again. My hands accidentally touched the smooth, warm flesh of his bare chest. Bare chest? Apparently, Touga's shirt had opened all the way and was flapping wildly around his torso. I must have made some sort of sound out of surprise because he laughed and grabbed a hold of my waist. Before I could properly protest, he had pulled me away from the car door and was once again hovering over me. I made a note in the back of my head to always look before I touch Touga.   
  
"Well then, why are you striving for that castle said to hold eternity?" The question caught me off guard. I blinked violently and stared up at him. Even with his shirt and hair billowing around him, he still looked wonderful. Rub it in, why don't you? What about this _castle_? Who cares? I've given up, I've told you this already. _You know that I've given up._ So get off. Where were my hands so I could push him off of me?   
  
My hands were pinned up against the door. The metal was grinding into them. It was a good distraction.   
  
"What are you—" I stopped short. The look in his eyes. I remembered that look. When he opened—   
  
_ "Hey, stop it. Don't do that. Stop it." _   
  
—NO! Let go of me! Let go, let go, let go—   
  
"Isn't that because you believe that if you get there, you will find something eternal," His eyes flashed. If my hands were free, I would have gouged his left eye out by now. That eye that his bangs always covered. Always. Even now, for some reason, I couldn't see that left eye of his. Why was your hair able to do that, Touga? Why even bother colouring it differently? Why go through all the trouble just for appearances? Why, you fucking idiot? "…for example, eternal friendship or something?"   
  
Stop talking to me. Just stop. I don't care what you have to say, if you have anything at all. I, again, squirmed underneath him. His legs formed a vice around my lower torso. I continued to squirm. He just squeezed harder. He was stronger than I would ever be. It was fate. Or something stupid like that. I stopped moving. I looked up at him again and could hardly see him through the curtain of my hair.   
  
"Do you remember that girl who was in the coffin a long time ago?"   
  
The wind was knocked out of me. I couldn't find my breath. All I could do was helplessly stare up at Touga as memories of time long since past rushed back into the front of my brain. We were younger, right? I remember riding on a bicycle of some sorts, you were driving. You always drove, didn't you? Always the one to be in control. Or, or did we share? We might have. Looking up at you now as you dominate my position, I can't really recall you every honestly _sharing_ something with me. Reversing roles. Never one for that.   
  
I gasped softly when I felt Touga quickly take his hands away from my own and a hold of my shoulders before he shook me quite violently. His success in knocking me out of my dream world and back to the speeding car caused me to glare up at him. He pushed his face close to my own as his grip tightened. "Do you remember or not, Kyouichi?"   
  
I hated it when he called me by my first name. I hated it more than him sitting on top of me in this freakish car that was speeding down the insanely straight highway.   
  
"Something like that happened, I suppose." I didn't feel like giving him a straight answer. He was always playing word games with him, so in retaliation, I decided to beat around the bush. My hair gave off the stench of spearmint as he grinned down at me. How could someone who swore he was a prince look so menacing at the same time? I didn't understand it, not at all.   
  
"There was a girl who was saying she wanted to see eternity, right?"   
  
"I'm not sure. I barely remember it." There, you had your answer. "Get off of me now."   
  
"But Saionji, dear, I'm just getting to the exciting part," Touga was yelling by now. The car had sped up, that was the reasoning behind the increase in volume. I watched has he leaned in closer to me, his lips now at my ear. All I could see was red and green and the stars above us. I had forgotten where my arms were. "The one who saved that girl from the coffin that night was Akio…"   
  
Akio? Akio Ohtori? Not you, Touga? You didn't save her? You didn't show her something eternal? It wasn't you?   
  
"What?!" I sat up with enough strength to push Touga backwards. It didn't help my situation much; he was now sitting in my lap. As I leaned on my elbows and he loomed above me, I watched as he smiled. That smile began to kick at the foundation of my moral beliefs, my dreams.   
  
"She was saved because Akio showed her something eternal." All he did was sit on me and grin. It wasn't you? It wasn't you? All of these years I though—no, I swore that it was you who saved that girl. That you showed her something that saved her. That you were the prince. _I thought you were a prince, Touga!_ Why, why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me think this? Why?   
  
He only continued to grin at me. I turned my attention to the lavender hair that was flapping around just as sporadically as our own. "Say what?! Who the hell are you?"   
  
"She's purring nicely, don't you think?" That from the older man driving the car. Akio Ohtori is what I meant. The real prince, right? That's what he was.   
  
This wasn't making any sense.   
  
"What are you talking about?"   
  
I shoved Touga off of me. His back slammed into the car. I would have laughed, but the desire to see the face of this Akio Ohtori kept me from doing so. I pushed myself into a sitting position and reached foreword. My hand touched the man's shoulder. The smell of roses immediately flooded my senses.   
  
"The ends of the world, I will show to you."   
  
"You couldn't be…"   
  
I watched with wide eyes as Akio Ohtori flipped over the—what the fuck? Flipped over the windshield and was sitting on the fucking hood of the fucking car that had somehow gotten inside my kendo room without me noticing it and was now speeding down this strange road without a fucking driver? WHAT. I felt Touga pull me backwards. He was the under toe, sucking me back underwater. Sucking me under to a place that I would never escape alive. The back seats seemed to have gotten a bit bigger, the upper half of my body now fit. I stared up at Touga, at those luscious blue eyes so darkened with lust it made my chest hurt. Some part of me wanted to reach up and run my fingers through that wild mane of blood he called hair. Some part of me wanted to see how warm his flesh was, how smooth all of the girls said it was. I wanted to see what was so great about his body that each and every single girl on campus would force themselves to crawl just to be able to be near it. I wanted it. I wanted him.   
  
I almost welcomed his movements. My stomach tightened when he lowered his mouth to my own. Just another innocent car ride—   
  
—with no driver.   
  
I violently shoved Touga away from me once more and tried to crawl over the seat to get to the wheel of the red convertible. Someone would have to be at the wheel. Cars just can drive endlessly into the night, it's not possible. I feel into the drivers seat and was about to take a hold of the wheel when I smelled roses. I felt a strong hand at my arm. Looking up, I saw that it was Ohtori himself. Before I knew it, he had pulled me up over the windshield and onto the hood of the car. I couldn't breath. If I did, he would know that I was alive and would come in for the kill. I couldn't let that happen. Soon I was sprawled out underneath him. He reminded me of a god.   
  
"Kyouichi Saionji, the kendo team captain," Just his voice was enough to send my libido racing as fast as the car. My uniform suddenly felt too tight and the air rushing past me suddenly felt too hot. All I could do was stare up at the beautiful Indian man with the lavender hair and eyes as sinister as Touga's defensive attack. What was I doing on this man's car? Why was I here? What could he show me? He was Ends of the World, what powers did he possess? What could I gain by all of this? I moved my head and saw that Touga had moved to the passenger seat. His arms were folded on the dashboard and his head rested atop them, like this whole event was nothing new. I know you were playing the Devil's advocate, Touga. I knew all along, you desire power more than any man I have ever known.   
  
My thoughts began more slurred when Akio began on me. I could hardly think as he touched, stroked, groped, kissed, licked, and bit me. And all the time, Touga watched. Touga watched as the Ends of the World turned me into nothing more then a pile of moaning hormones. I think at one time something passed from his mouth to mine. Out of instinct, I swallowed…   
  
  
__________   
  
  
  
_ancient times, perfect, solitude in the desert   
air, atoms, the planet of causality   
yes, a native child   
conception   
the embryo of philosophy_   
  
A car. A car took me there, to the rose garden. The green house. To her, to the puppet. I demanded to own her once more. Did I want to own her? Did I want anything else to do with her? Yes, of course I did. She was the Rose Bride; she held power inside of her. Power to give me Eternity. And I would beat that girl with her annoying pink her and her annoying ability to win at everything she does. This time, this time I would win. I was a better duelist than she was, I was a better champion than she way. Of course I was going to win. I saw it. I saw Ends of the World.   
  
_egg, perfect, the origin in the nest   
a stamen, a pistil, one seed_   
  
Something was different. There were cars sticking up every where. Naturally, I did my best to avoid them and ignore them. It was harder than it looked, their horns were loud enough to shatter my skull. It reminded me of something. The car that drove me to the green house. Did another car take me someplace else? No, no, no, I'm just imagining things. I decided to win the Bride again out of my own head. I came up with the idea. She belongs to me anyway. I deserve her. I took her from that fencing captain, that annoying boy. I made her mine. And she will stay mine. Forever. For eternity.   
  
_yes, a native child   
growth   
the child of philosophy_   
  
That girl. That girl fights better than I thought she would. But wait! Her sword! It's gone! The sword of Dios is gone! She's mine now! Now I will be able to shove my katana through her heart and get rid of her for once and for all. Then the Rose Bride would be my puppet and she will give me everything I need and we will be happy together in our Eternity that she gave me because I killed that girl. Her sword is gone!   
  
_and lunar heaven, mercurial heaven, venusian heaven   
solar heaven, martian heaven, jovian heaven   
saturnian heaven, sidereal heaven, motive heaven_   
  
What are they doing now? Is that a sword coming from that girl's body? No matter, attack now, while they will be off their guard! Get that girl, get her now! Yes, get her when she's vulnerable. Get her when the sword is halfway out. Do it now!   
  
_further circular infinity without end_   
  
NO, NO, NO. Not AGAIN. I will not lose AGAIN. I will WIN and the Rose Bride will be MINE. I saw Ends of the World, I should have her. That girl did not see what I saw. I have the knowledge that I need, I have the power that I need. I know what Ends of the World is now. She does not. The Rose Bride deserves to be MINE and MINE alone. Not that girl's, not Touga's, not anyone's. MINE and MINE ALONE. I shall have her once more—   
  
_one organic system   
one perpetual motion device_   
  
Green tears. Green leaves. Green hair. Green raindrops. Green pieces of sky. Green rocks. Green books. Green swords. Green shoes.   
  
_ah, it is an empty movement   
that is an empty movement. it is._   
  
Green petals.   
  
  
__________   
  
  
  
Someone was trying to rip my skull apart.   
  
Or perhaps it was the fact that Touga was dragging me back to my dorm room and for some reason, I had decided not to use my legs at all. Or the rest of my body.   
  
"Pick up your feet, Saionji," I thought I heard Touga growl through his teeth. My head was pounding too much for me to really understand. Something had gotten inside of my brain and had set up a set of tympanis right next to my two eardrums. It was beginning to annoy me when Touga wasn't walking with the beat. I wanted to say something but I couldn't find my voice. It was probably still up in the dueling arena, hiding from reality. Hiding from the fact that I lost. Again. Again and again and again. Though I suppose I had some excuse. At least I wanted to have an excuse. Pain, maybe? Pain and I were becoming lovers. It was either the car or those stairs Touga dragged me down or that car. The one that hit me. I think it knocked all of my organs out of me, I felt so hollow. Inside, I'm hollow.   
  
"Stand up on your own, you don't want Juri to see you like this, do you?" Touga whispered to me as he straightened me up and shoved me against the nearest wall. I sunk a little, but was able to hold most of my weight up. It was the lack of insides, I suppose. Shells are easier to keep standing than actual humans. I exhaled slowly, enjoying the deep pain that washes through my chest. Leaning my head up against the wall, I opened my eyes slowly. The ceiling was dark. I closed them again. The tempo inside my ears increased.   
  
"Touga and…Saionji," Juri paused. I tried to pay no attention to her and instead focused on the blade of pain that stabbed into my side each time I breathed. I thought about stopping entirely, but that would piss Touga off. Just for him, I continued. I couldn't feel my feet anymore. I felt myself slowly sliding down the wall. "So I see he lost again. I expected as much."   
  
I let my head fall forward. As I opened my eyes, all that was visible in front of me was a sea of red. Touga's hair. The car that hit me. Anthy's bride gown. Red everywhere. For some reason, my uniform was not covered in the colour. I had been hit by a car, shouldn't I be bleeding? Touga's hair makes up for it. Yes, just think of it that way. I almost reached out to get a handful of it. Yank it out. Put it on the glaring white. Instead, I concentrated on standing. Upright, of course. Is that car exhaust that I smell?   
  
"Yes, well Juri, you know that Eternity is harder to gain than we think it is. Perhaps his desire was not up to par." You idiot, stop answering for me. I can talk for myself. Give me a few minutes to wait for my voice.   
  
"Saionji, I thought you weren't going to duel anymore. Changed your mind?" Was she speaking to me? The drumming in my ears had morphed to the hum of an engine. The squealing of tires. The impact. How did I survive this? My legs gave out and I fell forward onto Touga. Some higher power granted me a moment of grace when I didn't cause the both of us to fall down. Of course, Touga was half to blame for it—he was able to withstand the impact of my body easily. My chin rested on his shoulder and my vision was blurred by his wild hair. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. Breathing in and out his scent. It always made me mad that Touga used no cologne of any kind—his natural scent was enough. A comfortable musk with a hint of roses. Sex in a flower-flavored bath. It reminded me of sunset. Of the crisp night air on a bicycle. Of the kendo room. Of everything.   
  
You are cancer, Touga. You have infected every cell of my life.   
  
"I wouldn't say Saionji has changed his mind, it's more like he's seen a different perspective on the dueling situation. Think of it as enlightenment. Our dear friend has been enlightened." He said all of this as he pulled away from me, caught me, and threw my arm over his shoulder. Unable to do anything else but marvel at how much like a Greek God he reminded me, I leaned into him. I hurt; I had just gotten hit by a car. By a red car that looked so much like the bloodied dress that Anthy always had to wear it made me sick. "Now if you will excuse us, Saionji was slightly injured while dueling Utena."   
  
I like how you didn't mention tending any wounds. Always the careful one. Always the ambiguous one. Heaven forbid that you let on you're about to help someone either than yourself.   
  
If Juri replied to Touga, I didn't bother to listen. She was unimportant anyway.   
  
"Saionji, _pick up your feet_." Fine. Fine, fine, fine. Command me and I will obey. _That's what always happens, isn't it?_ You wouldn't have it any other way. No, you would not. Heaven forbid that something goes wrong with you. Heaven forbid that you cannot have something you want. Yes, Heaven forbid it all from you, Touga. Let Judgment Day be the final blow, let the angels themselves come down and deny you from Heaven. When it happens, I will be there. I will be there to see you fall. I will be there to show you what it's like to fail. I will be there; I will be there because you know I am unable to leave your side. I am glue to you forever. You know it. You made it that way. You made everything the way it is.   
  
And I hate you for it.   
  
"I can walk by myself," my voice came out as a growl—was I some sort of animal compared to you? What that it? I pushed myself away from you and stumbled a few feet before I quickly relearned how to walk. I could hardly keep my eyes on the ground below me. My ugly green hair framed my vision. All I could see was the concrete rushing up at me. I almost welcomed the fall. Just get the pain from the car crash away from me. Pack it away for later.   
  
"For the love of…" I heard Touga mutter under his breath before he grabbed my upper arm and pulled me to my feet. Thank you, _my prince_. How kind of you. "Stop this."   
  
"I was hit by a fucking car," my words were harsh. Serves you right, you whore. Once again, you've pulled me up onto your back.   
  
"You were not hit by a car, stop exaggerating." Touga argued as he grabbed a hold of my legs. Oh, a piggyback. Thank you, _my prince_. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his hair. I thought about hating the colour red for a few moments before I began enjoying myself. Trapped in the heat of his body. Half of me enjoyed it, the other half was desperately trying to find another sidewalk to fall off of, preferably one without a ground underneath it. "All that happened was that you were, once again, beaten by Utena Tenjou."   
  
"Something happened with a car, I remember a car." Why did you have to smell so good, Touga?   
  
"Nothing happened with a car, Saionji. Just forget about it."   
  
Then, after awhile, a few moments before we reached my dorm room…   
  
"Why did I go through that again?" I mused out loud.   
  
"Go through what, Saionji?" I could almost taste the humor in his voice.   
  
"You know very well what, Touga." His name came out bitter. As always.   
  
"I suppose you just wanted to. Or would you rather that I physiologically break you down?" He chuckled softly.   
  
"Shut up and get me to bed, I need to lay down."   
  
"Would you like me to lay with you?"   
  
Yes.   
  
"_No_."   
  
A sigh. Satire? Disappointment? Amusement? All of the above?   
  
"Very well."   
  
And then we were inside of my dorm room. My extremely bare and neat dorm room. I, once again, shoved myself away from Touga and found my bed. The mattress that I had thrown onto the floor to give myself more room. The mattress that was a little to firm for my tastes that was covered in grey and white sheets. It didn't get cold at Ohtori that often, so more than three blankets was just idiocy. For once, my bed felt nice. For once I was happy to be lying on my stomach. I exhaled slowly. It didn't hurt as much. I felt the bed move when Touga sat down next to me.   
  
"Go away, I need to sleep," I hissed as I rolled over on my side. Pain coursed through me. I muffled a scream in the back of my throat. I felt Touga lean over me, his chest pressing up against my arm. My breath came in shallow gasps. Oh for the love of God, it shouldn't hurt this much. A small sound came from my throat as Touga leaned further over me, further pressing his weight onto me.   
  
"You can't sleep when you're this injured, Saionji." Fact. "Sit up and I'll figure out what you did to yourself."   
  
"Get off of me and I'll sit up."   
  
"Sit up and I'll get off of you."   
  
"I can't sit up when you're weighing me down like this, Touga! Stop being so stubborn and get the hell off of me!" It hurt to raise my voice. It hurt when he got off of me. And it hurt when I slowly sat up. Pain wasn't becoming my lover; it was already holding the title. It was beginning to memorize me from the inside out, finding my weakest points. I could do nothing but hurt as Touga took off my shirt. I slowly lifted up my arms and looked down at my torso. On my left side, a large black, blue, and purple bruise smiled up at me. It seemed to take up a quarter of my chest. I looked from it to Touga and growled loudly. "I told you I was hit by a car."   
  
He smiled. Smiled. The stupid sadistic fuck _smiled_. Always, always, always! Stop it!   
  
I crawled away from him when he reached out to touch it. Pain pulsed through every vein in my body.   
  
"I'm trying to see if you broke any ribs, Saionji. Calm down." I let him touch me. I let him poke and prod me as I writhed in both pain and pleasure. Stop doing this to me, Touga. Just _stop_. "For not breaking anything, that is one hell of a bruise, my dear friend."   
  
"I told you, I was hit by a fucking car." I put my arms down and moved away from him.   
  
"Perhaps." Was his response. Ugh, you make me want to vomit, Touga Kiryuu. Ignoring him, I laid on my back. Sleep was soon upon me. Good, I was getting tired of seeing red. Whether it was from Touga's hair, Anthy's dress, Akio's car, or my blood.   
  
Akio's car?   
  
  
__________   
  
  
  
  
  
Notes: Part one of two. Forgive the rather large paragraph in the other notes; I get a little passionate about certain things. If the second half of this, I'll aim for more alternate possibilities—Ikuhara had his fun with symbolism and metaphors, it's time for me. Unlike my other stories, I'll try to get the second half of this up as soon as possible. I want to finish this so I can begin my essay. (Passionate? Let's use "obsessed" instead.) I already have a few more ideas for some long-running Utena fiction.   
  
The lyrics in Saionji's duel are from his third and final duel song, "Virtual Star Embryology"..   
  
  
  
…I apologize for all of the tense problems, I tried to catch as many as possible. Sometimes, these things happen. Alas! Also for the typos. All you writers know how it goes, once you get going, there is nothing that can stop you. (And also for the fact that I'm rather egotisctical about my typing and don't want to believe that I make mistakes. But I digress.) 


End file.
